A few nights ago, for the first time in my life, I went to sleep without anyone to pray to. I toiled and turned in a hopeless bed with a million questions without a soul to ask them to. There was a hole in my chest, where my heavy heart had slipped out from and there wasn’t a soul to tell my troubles to. For the first time I went to sleep alone in world that was just yesterday filled. There I was with no religion, I’d lost it. I’d lost my faith, a chain of “why me”s had robbed me of it, the recurring sucker punches the universe gave me had finally knocked me down. It was paranoia that had fooled me into believing that there was anyone receiving my elongated prayers or watching my life. The rumour was true, no one was up there. Yet just that day’s yesterday He was so real to me, so alive. But Elvis had left the building folks without the slightest goodbye He had disappeared from some place He’d called home. A place where I addressed all my wishes to, a place where I sent all my burdens. That night I knew for sure my mail was gathering at the doorstep of a place once called Heaven.
A few nights ago I’d lost my faith, I’d lost each trace of it and knew not how to even begin a prayer. That night I’d lost it all, in a tiny fraction of second what was real to me was all a dream. And every night I closed my eyes, put my hands together and prayed I felt I had been merely playing house like a little child unaware of the difference between fairytale and reality. It slapped me across the face and my entire world came crumbling down, was it all make-believe? Had He finally abandoned me for all the wrong I’d done in the past, had it all accumulated until it was enough to buy him a ticket elsewhere and house him in a Heaven where someone else could appreciate Him?
I lost my faith for a single night but I felt all the emptiness in the world. Pangs in my heart and tears in my eyes, and all this bitterness in my mind. It was one of the sadness moments of my life, to have ever doubted the gracious Almighty God, to stray so far from home. I woke up repentant, begging for Him to come back but then just like that He whispered “Upile, I never left you. Even though you left me. I never will.” and the whole world made sense again. I understood then that my trials and tribulations, my troubles in this life were all tests, nothing would ever be perfect but I could make it through all these tests as long as I didn’t stray off into the darkness. We are all imperfect, sometimes we are so overwhelmed by all the wrong going on in your life that we find it hard to believe there is a higher power watching over us. Keeping your faith is one of the world’s hardest things to do in a world were so much goes wrong, in an economy that leaves you wondering how you’ll afford to keep a roof over your head. It is difficult, but without faith you lose that special hand to help you through it all, that special connection with God that makes you stronger and lightens your burdens.